Ask why—twice.

When your child is upset, angry, or just puzzled by something, it’s tempting to jump straight to solutions: “Stop crying,” “Just tell them to be quiet,” or “You’ll get over it.” Instead, try a small, powerful habit: ask why—twice. The first “why” gets you out of the moment and into the reason; the second “why” digs a little deeper and helps your child understand what’s really going on inside. From a parent’s voice, this is less about interrogating and more about practicing curiosity together. It says, “I’m listening, and I want to understand you,” which itself calms and connects.

Start gently. The first why can be simple and open: “Why did that make you mad?” or “Why are you so sad right now?” Kids aged 7–9 will need simpler language and more patience; older kids can handle a little more reflection. After they answer, don’t rush to fix it. Pause for a breath, mirror what you heard, then ask the second why: “Why does that matter to you?” or “Why do you think that made you feel unsafe?” The second question encourages them to name the value or need beneath the feeling—fairness, belonging, respect, safety, or control. When a child moves from “He took my toy” to “It makes me feel ignored” or “I feel like no one listens,” you’ve reached the place where real help can begin.

Be mindful of tone. A soft, curious voice keeps why from sounding like a cross-examination. If a child hears “why” as blame, reframe it: “I wonder what you were thinking when that happened,” or “Tell me more about why that feels so big.” Validate before you analyze—“That sounds really hard”—and let the why questions be invitations, not tests. You’ll find that asking why twice teaches children to pause and name their feelings and needs before reacting. Over time it becomes their internal habit: “Why do I feel this? Why does that matter?” That self-questioning builds emotional vocabulary, self-understanding, and better decisions.

Here are a few short phrases you can use to practice asking why twice with your child: - “That sounds upsetting. Why do you think it upset you? And why does that matter to you?”

Keep it natural. Role-play when things are calm, so the pattern feels friendly, not forensic. Model it yourself: when you’re frustrated, narrate your own two whys out loud (“I’m annoyed because the meeting ran late. Why? It made me miss time with you. Why does that matter? I need time together to feel connected.”). Over time, your child will learn to ask and answer their own two whys, which helps them navigate disappointments, solve problems, and handle conflict with more confidence.

You’re not fixing everything by asking questions, but you’re teaching a tiny tool that grows into emotional resilience: curiosity, attention, and the habit of getting beneath the surface. Ask why—twice—and watch your child learn to keep asking for themselves.