Listen twice, speak once.
When someone is upset or things get messy, the smartest thing you can do isn’t always to talk first. I’ve watched kids who pause, listen, and then speak — and they almost always turn a tough moment into something better. Listening twice before speaking once means you don’t jump to guesses, you don’t make the other person feel small, and you give yourself a chance to say something helpful instead of something you’ll regret. It’s a superpower that anyone can practice.
Start by slowing down. Take a deep breath and really pay attention to the other person’s words, tone, and body language. Try to notice what’s not being said: are they quiet because they’re sad, or because they’re angry? After you hear them, say back what you heard in your own words — that’s called reflecting, and it shows you care. Ask a simple question like “Can you tell me more?” instead of assuming you already know. When you do speak, keep your voice calm and honest.
Here are a few short phrases to use when someone needs you to listen or when you want to be gentle with your own words: - “I’m here. Tell me what happened.” “That sounds really hard.” “I don’t know, but I want to understand.” “I’m sorry you feel this way.” “Can we take a minute?” “Let’s figure this out together.”
If you’re the one feeling upset, try listening to yourself twice before saying anything out loud. Take one breath and name the feeling: “I’m angry,” or “I’m nervous.” Take a second breath and decide what you want to happen next: do you want someone to fix it, or just to listen? That tiny pause gives you control. It helps you avoid blaming words and choose something kinder like, “I need a minute,” or “Can we talk after I calm down?”
When there’s a fight or a mistake, listening first helps you say the important things later: “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” or “I made a mistake.” These are short but powerful. Saying less can actually mean more when your words are honest. Remember, listening isn’t weakness — it’s careful strength. It shows you respect others and yourself.
Practice matters. Try listening twice during one conversation today: once to hear the words, once to understand the feeling behind them. If you mess up, that’s okay — apology grows trust. Keep a few of those simple phrases handy, breathe before you answer, and remind yourself that sometimes the best thing you can offer is your attention. I believe you can learn this skill, and I’m here cheering for you as you try.