Challenge the process, not the person.

You tried something and it didn’t work out the way you wanted — maybe you failed a math problem, lost a game, or forgot to turn in homework. It’s easy to feel like that one moment says who you are: “I’m bad at this,” or “I’m a failure.” But here’s a trick that can change everything: challenge the process, not the person. That means you look at what happened and ask, “What can I change?” instead of saying, “I’m the problem.” When you focus on the steps, tools, or plan, you give yourself a chance to learn and get better. When you focus on the person, you shut that chance down.

Think of problems like puzzles, not labels. If a puzzle piece doesn’t fit, you don’t call the piece “stupid” — you try a different place for it, check the edges, and maybe ask for a hint. The same goes for your actions and choices. Did you rush? Were you tired? Did the plan expect too much in a short time? Asking those questions helps you test new ideas and make small changes that add up. When someone else messes up, you can do the same for them. Say the thing that helps the process, not the person. That kindness makes it easier for both of you to fix what went wrong.

Here are some short phrases that are simple to say and powerful to hear. You can use them with friends, siblings, or yourself: - “Let’s try a different way.” “What part was hard?” “You’re learning.” “I like how you tried.” “We’ll figure out the steps.” “This plan needs a tweak.” “It didn’t work yet.” “Mistakes help me learn.”

Using phrases like these does two big jobs. First, they keep feelings safe. When someone hears “You’re learning” instead of “You’re bad,” they relax and can think better. Second, they invite curiosity. “What part was hard?” turns a stuck moment into a detective game where you both look for clues and fixes. You become a problem-solver team instead of a blame team.

You don’t have to fix everything on your own. Start small: change one step in how you study, practice a skill ten minutes a day, or ask a friend for a different way to do something. Celebrate the small wins — a single step in the right direction is still movement. And when you hear yourself saying “I can’t,” try adding “yet” at the end. It’s a tiny word with big power because it reminds you that skill grows over time.

If you treat the process like something you can change and improve, you stay curious, brave, and kinder — to others and to yourself. That’s how you really get stronger, not by proving a person wrong, but by fixing the plan together.